7th The 11th
by Mistaken4
Summary: Rev Eric and Annie discuss their kids, their past, the eleventh season, and the pure nonsense of continuing the cheesy series when virtually none of the original cast remains.


**A/N**: 7th Heaven just started its' 11th season. Oh goody. It seems like only three or four months ago this once almost watch-able family drama had finally been laid to rest. Oh wait a minute, it was. What the '&#$!' is it doing back on! In this short one-shot the Rev and Annie discuss their past, the present and their general lack of consideration for television viewers everywhere.

-

**Disclaimer**: Since Aaron Spelling and The WB are both dead, I have no idea who now owns the Camdens, but it sure isn't me. Perhaps they're up for bids on Ebay.

-

The Very Reverend Eric Camden descended the back stairways into the large kitchen of the incredibly large house that he and his family were provided with by the tiny never disclosed protestant type denominational church that he is pastor of. Sometimes he wondered how the small congregation's offerings could afford him such a place. Most of the time he just took the large home for granted. Especially at times like this, when his ornery bride, Annie, was once again on the war path.

It really wasn't all Annie's fault. Annie had been going through severe mood changes for almost a decade now. Eric had finally come to accept the fact that he ended up married to a woman who's 'change of life' phase might never come to an end.

Eric gulped as he entered the kitchen. Annie was seated at the round table angrily tapping her fingers on the Formica table top with one hand. Her other hand was wrapped around a cold bottle of Miller MGD, which she was just finishing chugging in one swallow. She pushed out an adjacent chair with her foot, "Sit" is all she said as she belched.

Eric relented, sighed and sat down. Folding his hands about his face, he finally spoke "Fine, we'll talk. But I'm telling you right off, nothing's going to change. This is the show that we've got now."

Annie began, "Oh, Eric you know how much you and the kids mean to me. You know how much we've been through together as a family. I just have to know why our show is so incredibly lame this year! And say would you grab me another brewski from the frig?"

When Eric returned with the beer, he sat again dropping his hands in his lap, then on second thought he rested his right elbow on the table supporting his head with his right hand. Eric rolled his eyes and spoke, "What do you want me to say? We have that Duff chick in the cast. She's popular with the Disney crowd isn't she? Didn't she use to have that show 'Lizzie Mc-Something or other? And we've got Lucy back, you still like Lucy don't you?"

"Oh. Lucy's a pain! I sometimes wish it was she that vandalized the gym or had taken a sip of beer, then we could have shipped her off to Buffalo, not poor sweet Mary." Annie continued, "Mary was a much better actress then Lucy and now Mary always shows up on those hottest babes lists. I mean Mary is smoking hot! Just imagine our male 18-34 demo if Mary was still on the show! And I'll tell you something else, if I wasn't her mom and if lesbianism wasn't so against our target audience's principals, I just might ……. Well you just never mind."

Eric started to get up.

"Where do you think you're going? We haven't even scratched the surface yet. What about Matt and Simon? Don't you think the audience misses them too? And please open this bottle for me!

Eric sat back down and answered, "Well Matt might come back occasionally to visit, but you do know he has his own show now, and it's on a real network, ABC. By the way just what does CW stand for? Are we now on the Country Western network? Is that what CW means? I really hope not, because you know I am still quite the rocker. Remember that episode when I sang all those Elvis songs? How 'bout that one where I sang Ricky Nelson songs? How about that time when my old band mates showed up at the door? They were real rockers, even smoked a little dope as I recall. Please don't tell me I have to start singing like a dude from Nashville, that would be almost as lame as that damn musical episode we did. Who's stupid idea was that again?"

Annie started laughing at Eric's rising hysteria. "Well, well, look who's concerned about our show's changes now. Don't worry Eric, I'm sure the writers won't have you singing Garth Brooks songs anytime soon. But getting back to our sons, what about Simon? With his wedding canceled and him now disappearing off the show, I'm afraid all of those horrible rumors about his masculinity will start up again. Oh, Eric what are we ever to do?"

Now nearly as upset as Annie, Eric fired right back. "What do you mean horrible rumors? Simon's as gay as a neat- freak fashion designer on figure skates! It's no silly rumor. Damn it Annie, why are you in such denial about this? Our number two son has been a fruit loop from day one. Remember that time you and Lucy fixed up that Camaro for Matt? Simon pretended he wanted to help but in actuality he went doily shopping with Mrs. Bink. Deal with it, Annie, Simon's as gay as a summer evening in Paris. It's Sam and David that I'm concerned about.

"What do you mean you're concerned about Sam and David? There still here. My precious twins are still on the show. They haven't voided their contracts and left their mommy? What aren't you telling me!"

Eric cooled a little as he answered, "That's not what I meant, Annie, I know they're still on the show. What I'm concerned about …….. well how should I put this …… what I'm worried about with the twins is …… well, have you ever seen them apart? You know, have you ever seen Sam or David, even for a moment, without the other one right there? I haven't, and it's started to make me wonder. I don't want to sound racist here, but is it possible that Sam and David are ……. Siamese twins? "

"Oh Eric, that's a horrible thing to say!" Even though the nation of Siam no longer exists some people of Siamese decent, not to mention a few neighborhood cats, could easily be offended. What you meant to say was that Sam and David may be "conjoined" twins. I will have Matt examine them when he comes home for Thanksgiving this year. I'm sure Matt could slice them apart if necessary."

Suddenly the outside kitchen door swung open and in stepped Kevin the cop. Oops, I mean Kevin, the ex-cop, turned house-husband, even though there's no way in hell an assistant pastor of a tiny church could earn enough money to pay for a house as well as support a husband and daughter. Kevin walked over near Eric and Annie, picked up an apple from a bowl on the table, leaned against the kitchen counter, and took a bite. "What's up with you two? You look rather upset, I hope it's not something I did again."

Annie rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here? Don't you know you're only in this cast for the beefcake quotient? Everyone knows your acting ability is on par with that of a potted plant. You're only called upon to appear shirtless and sweaty. Now get out of my kitchen and either get sweaty or get lost!" Annie leaped to her feet, grabbed an egg beater from a drawer and chased Kevin out the door while whipping the egg beater at him.

After Kevin had left Annie grabbed another Miller, this time opening the bottle with her teeth, and returned to Eric. "Lucy is such a boor! She could have done so much better then Kevin, the ex-cop, turned house-husband, even though there's no way in hell an assistant pastor of a tiny church could earn enough money to pay for a house as well as support a husband and daughter. I wish she would have married that sweet Jimmy Moon character. Just think of the great names we could have had for our grandchildren, 'Crescent', 'Blue', 'Harvest', 'Cow-Jumped-Over -The'. Lucy never could do anything right! And why does she and Kevin, the ex-cop, turned house-husband, even though there's no way in hell an assistant pastor of a tiny church could earn enough money to pay for a house as well as support a husband and daughter, have to live so close to us?! Sometimes I feel like we're the Flintstones to their being the Rubbles."

Eric was growing board. He and Annie had now discussed most of the eleventh season changes for their show. What else was there? Ruthie in Scotland, that dweeby baseball kid, (what was his name again? Oh yeah Martin) hanging around again, Happy dying and being replaced for the third time without even telling the viewers. This last item made Eric laugh. The same dog, after 11 years, yeah right, and some people actually believed she was. This show couldn't even keep a network afloat that long much less a street mutt.

After a few more moments of thought Eric was about to get up when his cell phone rang. Quickly retrieving the Nokia from the pocket of his Ramone's sweatshirt, Eric answered saying, "Hello, Rev Cam here."

It was Ruthie, saying she would come home from Scotland immediately if she and Martin would be allowed to start dating. Eric grimaced and replied, "Ruthie you do know they cut all our salaries considerably this year, right? If you come back on the show the extras at the Promenade will be making more then you! And please realize, Ruthie, you would be the only teen Camden, meaning that your psychotic mother would have ample time to meddle in all of your affairs. I suggest you stay where you're at in Scotland and look for some hot guy in a short kilt. Bye Ruthie."

Eric turned to Annie who was now back sitting at the table finishing yet another Miller and pulling her hair out in large clumps. The twins came running through the kitchen in hot pursuit of poor Happy III. Sam (or possible David, who really knows the difference) picked up the egg beater Annie had been using on Kevin and proceeded to start whipping the poor dogs tail. Happy yelped then turned around abruptly and bit the creepy kid's arm. Evil Samvid started crying and ran to his mother. Anne grinned and began separating Sam and David with a butcher knife..

Closing Credits play.


End file.
